How to Shoot Yourself In the Foot Using Any Programming Language [a repost]

I found an article from a friend about the dilemmas a programmer encounters when working on a particular programming language.  It was funny, and I can relate to some of them, so I decided to share them with you all.  Let me remind you that I did not write this… I just found it from a friend.

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How to Shoot Yourself In the Foot Using Any Programming Language

The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you’re currently using. This guide is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such dilemmas.

370 JCL
You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.

Ada
After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong type.

APL
You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.

ASP.NET
Find a gun, it falls apart. Put it back together, it falls apart again. You try using the .GUN Framework, it falls apart. You stab yourself in the foot instead.

Assembly
You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot. After that’s done, you pull the trigger, the gun beeps several times, then crashes.

brainfuck
Just looking at the gun gives you a migrane, so forget about actually shooting it.

BASIC
Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

C
You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but find out the the gun is actually a howitzer cannon.

C++
You accidentally create a dozen clones of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can’t tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, “That’s me, over there.”

COBOL
Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER. on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.

Concurrent Euclid
You shoot yourself in somebody else’s foot.

CSS
You shoot your right foot with one hand, then switch hands to shoot your left foot but you realize that the gun has turned into a banana.

DOS Batch
You aim the gun at your foot and pull the trigger, but only a weak gust of warm air hits your foot.

Forth
Foot in yourself shoot.

FORTRAN
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.

HyperTalk
Put the first bullet of the gun into the foot of the left leg of you.
Answer the result.

Java
After importing java.awt.right.foot.* and java.awt.gun.right.hand.*, and writing the classes and methods of those classes needed, you’ve forgotten what the hell you’re doing.

JavaScript
You’ve perfected a robust, rich user experience for shooting yourself in the foot. You then find that bullets are disabled on your gun.

LISP
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds…

Machine Language
Before you can shoot yourself in the foot you must disassemble the gun at the atomic level and then reassemble it. After you do this, you find that the bullets require a special operator so the gun doesn’t work.

Modula-2
After realizing that you can’t actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.

Motif
You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

Paradox
Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.

Pascal
The compiler won’t let you shoot yourself in the foot.

Perl
You shoot yourself in the foot, but nobody can understand how you did it. Six months later, neither can you.

PHP
You shoot yourself in the foot with a gun made with pieces from 300 other guns.

PL/I
You discover 6,752 different guns for shooting yourself in the foot. Before you can decide which one to use, you starve to death.

Prolog
You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn’t allow it to explain.

Python
You try to shoot yourself in the foot but you just keep hitting the whitespace between your toes.

Revelation
You’ll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for.

RPG
First you define your gun, bullet, and firing pin. Then, you define your foot, toes, and toenails. Then, you open chamber and load the gun. Then, you cock it. Now you’re finally ready to shoot yourself in the foot.

Ruby
Your foot is ready to be shot in roughly five minutes, but you just can’t find anywhere to shoot it.

SNOBOL
If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot.
If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.

SQL
SELECT @ammo:=bullet FROM gun WHERE trigger = ‘PULLED’;
INSERT INTO leg (foot) VALUES (@ammo);

UNIX
% ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm: .o: No such file or directory
% ls
%

Visual BASIC
You’ll shoot yourself in the foot, but you’ll have so much fun doing it that you won’t care.

Visual BASIC.NET
You spend a fortune on a high-powered, self-cleaning, self-aiming, automatic handgun with unlimited ammo, only to realize it takes a year to pull the trigger.

Visual FoxPro

You mock other sharpshooters for not being able to shoot both feet at once, but when you try to do it yourself you realize that you can’t properly handle the Microsoft.gun ActiveX.

source: The Almighty Guru

Some funny quotes…

I just want to share this to all of you… hope it places a smile on your face

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1 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
5 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
6 Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
7 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
8 Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
9 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
10 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
11 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
12 War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
13 If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
14 The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
15 Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
16 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
17 If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
18 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
19 Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
20 A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
21 My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
22 I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
23 If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
24 I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
25 If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
26 Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
27 If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
28 Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
29 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
30 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
31 A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
32 Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
33 Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
34 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
35 A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
36 I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
37 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
38 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
39 The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
40 Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
41 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
42 Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
43 The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
44 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
45 He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
46 The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
47 I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
48 Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
49 God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
50 Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
51 The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
52 Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
53 Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
54 Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
55 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
56 Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
57 Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
58 It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
59 Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
60 Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
61 You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
62 Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
63 I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
64 A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
65 My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
66 I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
67 Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
68 A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
69 We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
70 You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
71 I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.
72 A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
73 With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
74 Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
75 Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
76 There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
77 I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
78 Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
79 Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
80 I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
81 If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
82 I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
83 When in doubt, mumble.
84 I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
85 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
86 Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
87 A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
88 A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
89 Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
90 I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
91 Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
92 You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
93 When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
94 Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
95 Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
96 Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
97 If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
98 If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
99 If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
100 Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.
Read more: http://funcage.com/blog/top-100-funniest-one-liners/#ixzz0n8pibvyq